I would like to answer “no, I´m from the
Royal family”
(I don´t own the above picture)
sábado, 28 de diciembre de 2013
Airport standby:
I nice way were you can almost hear your
own body cells die
(I don´t own the above picture)
Maths:
Have you ever seen a person and felt a
total rejection towards him even so you don´t know anything about his life? I
got that feeling multiplied by 497
(I don´t own the above picture)
Been there done that:
When a passenger confesses there very hard tragic life story is not that I don´t care, the most probable thing is that I already heard something very similar already four thousand times
(I don´t own the above picture)
martes, 24 de diciembre de 2013
Next to Santa:
I rather be
flying during holiday season, usually I meet recently divorced people, recent
widows or even people that handle a serious cocktail of valium mixed with Percocet
with an extra drop of whisky, they make me feel so much better – another fill
sir?
(I don´t own the above picture)
Saturn, no Venus, no Mars, forget it they are all round:
I´m always the
girl that has no idea who is famous - is that Tom Cruise?
(I don´t own the above picture)
In earth and in ground:
Each time I go
back to see my family I play in my head all the safety procedures. In case of
reaching the alcoholic aunt please follow the non existence call of your uncle
to go and help him in the kitchen with the dessert (even so you didn´t start
the main course).
(I don´t own the above picture)
martes, 17 de diciembre de 2013
Reminder:
A hot towel is for you to clean your hands, at
tops your face but cleaning armpits, feet, toes and even teethes is not okay. Then
we have to pick that up, with a smile, of course.
(I don´t own the above picture)
A380 Real Safety Video | English
Welcome aboard this A380, please pay attention to
the cartoon show about the nonsense safety features that are unlikely to be
used in this aircraft as almost nobody survives an emergency at 35.000 feet.
We are now preparing for taking off, your tray
table, footrest, personal video screen, Blackblerrys, I-phones, Nokia (what is
that?), grinders, mother in laws and children should be folded away and your
tiny tiny tiny seats to those seated in economy must be in the upright
position.
Real Prada´s, Louis Vuitton´s and Gucci´s should
be stowed in the overhead lockers or under the seat in front of you. All fake
luggage and carry on items will be burned during taxi.
Please fasten your seatbelt whenever the
seatbelt symbol is illuminated. Adjust the belt by pulling the strap and lift
the metal flap to unfasten your belt. If you want to sleep or self indulge
yourself during the flight please fasten the seatbelt over your blanket so we
don´t have to disturb you while you exercise your favourite sport. We don´t provide extra seatbelts, so please if
you need one start a diet and please don´t use your neighbour's as one.
For safety reason it is forbidden to use any
portable electronic devices during taxi, take-off or landing. As we said before
all mobile telephones and vibrating devices must remain switched off, even the
ones that you store between your legs, until you are told it is safe to
use them by your cabin crew.
Smoking anywhere on this aircraft is illegal
and punishable by law. All toilets are fitted with smoke detectors, unless you
want to be painted with foam and make a very generous check to our airline, don´t light up that cigi.
If there is a sudden explosive cabin
decompression (when there is a huge hole in the aircraft cruising at 35.000
feet and we are almost all sucked out of it) masks will appear from above you. Pulling
the mask towards you starts the flow of oxygen, place the mask over your
screaming panicking face and remember to breathe, normally. Attend to yourself
first and then help others.
In the almost unlikely event of an emergency
landing please adopt the brace position.
Brace Position 1: lean against the seat in
front of you as if you were crying against the seat, just like when you were
crying in the ally wall when your partner broke up with you.
Brace Position 2: auto fellatio / something smells
between my legs
There is a life jacket under or to the side of
your seat. When shouted in a panic rage of “I-need-to-save-my-life” remove it
from its container and pull it over your head. Bring the tape around your waist
and fasten in front pulling firmly to secure. Only inflate your life jacket
when you are leaving the aircraft by pulling the two reds toggles sharply
downwards. You can also inflate or top-up the lifejacket by performing the ancient
task of blowing into the mouthpiece. Scream to attract attention and a light
will automatically illuminate when in water. If you are too fat to wear a life jacket it means that you
have enough body fat to keep you warm while you naturally float on water.
Take a moment to locate the emergency exit
nearest to your seat, that door may not be there after the aircraft disintegrates
once it touches ground after an emergency descend . There are six emergency exits
on the upper deck, clearly marked in red and 10 emergency exits on the main
deck, also marked in red. If required lights at floor level will direct you to
the doors. Take a moment to control and check with who you may fight and punch
when leaving the aircraft.
Please read the safety card which is in your seat pocket.
During the flight, we recommend you spend a few minutes each hour doing simple in-seat exercises that will encourage health blood circulation and wash your hands when you finish. Ensure your drink plenty of water.
Your crew will now pass through the cabin
carrying out a final check.
Enjoy your flight.
(I don´t own the above picture)
Updated versions:
Our modern version of Tinkerbell, Deltalina and her “No no no”
(I don´t own the above picture)
sábado, 14 de diciembre de 2013
(P)ersonal (E)ntertainment (S)ystem me off:
I still don´t understand how certain people
(sometimes even young) don´t know how to use the personal entertainment system
or simply others over use it, in the toilet – hot towel?
(I don´t own the above picture)
Guidebook:
In case of a crash landing try to distract the fire so I may rescue the Duty Free cart
(I don´t own the above picture)
miércoles, 11 de diciembre de 2013
The stork from Paris met a jet engine:
I work 110 hours off shore, sleep in may
hotel rooms with the company of a bad case of insomnia mix with an inner grudge
of lack of tolerance that I can´t show and you are asking me if I would like to
have children – please assume your brace position
(I don´t own the above picture)
domingo, 8 de diciembre de 2013
Say no to accessories:
When I have really
snobbish passengers I just remember the fact that he / she are deeply sad people
who need huge pails of Percocet mixed with booz to pretend that they can smile.
I do that drugs and alcohol free – smile.
(I don´t own the above picture)
miércoles, 4 de diciembre de 2013
Sit the seat:
You, with your
shining smile when you arrive at your seat during boarding and you really think
that you are premiering it? Oh honey, you really don´t want to know what was
happening a phew hours ago were you are about to sit - smile
(I don´t own the above picture)
Top 5: 4th of December 2013
At the end of each month I´ll give you a small resume of the top 5 and
bottom 5 passengers´ nationalities to work and fly with according to the
results of the poll you may find above in this Blog
1)
Japanese: and the award of the year to best passenger goes to (drums in the
background, silence in the hall, camera 1 traveling, camera 2 zoom x 2) Japanese!
This simple little robotic people with soul are the best traveling companion
that someone could ever dream of. Not only they are well mannered, extremely
well groomed, precise with their time and with the time of others but also they
are compassionate and responsive. Do you know why Japan is the number 1 country
in many areas? Travel with a Japanese and you´ll find out in the blink of an
eye. When boarding they go directly to their seat greeting everybody on their
way + they tend to pack light + they stay on their seats almost during the
whole flight and if they need to stretch they go to the back galley and they do
so without disturbing anyone. This is going to sound kind of ridiculous but
from my perspective even Japanese babies are like programmed to behave like an
adult. It´s like if they are switched into baby mode version 2.0 = they don´t
cry.
2)
South Korean: the blessing of a Duty Free. If a Duty Free is about to bankrupt,
as if that would ever happen, just send South Koreans. I promise that the
business will come straight up in seconds. They tend to have a very personal
way and style when they travel, they know what fashion is (men and women) and
they follow it. Real purses, real shoes, real watches and real attitude. But
it´s not that attitude of: I have money and I´m the best, no! It´s the attitude
of I know what respect is, I know what values are, I know what commitment is.
Not only they know that but they naturally reflect all of it.
3)
Swedish: less is more and more is enough. They what traveling is and they
define concepts in matters of calculation. It´s like if everything reduces to math’s
and time, 2 things that I always detested. If a bag should measure this and
that, their bag measures precisely what it should; if boarding starts at 9:17
with 3 seconds they will be exactly at 9:17 with 3 seconds a big difference
with their neighbors European countries, punctuality. Short sentences and smart
words when it comes to service, they want something and if that option is unenviable
they simply become satisfied with their second choice.
4)
Norwegian: very similar to Swedish, the only difference is that sometimes they
tend to be a little bit more colder that Swedish. It´s like if you may actually
count the amount of times that they smile. Nevertheless when it comes to
boarding they respond in a very punctual manner; they tend not to move much in
the aircraft because they simply don´t like to bother others as they don´t like
to be bothered. What is “to be bothered”? Ask questions about “things” especially
if you didn´t understand the explanation.
5)
Canadians: grey zone. Very simple and innocent travelers. Wait, we shouldn´t
mix innocence with stupidity. They are not stupid, it seems that many times
they are innocent. How? Have you ever seen a child eager in learning something
new and with the same enthusiasm trying to use that new knowledge? Well, is
like that. They try to learn constantly everything what is happening around
them, not always but they do.
Sometimes when they are a little bit drunk they can be a little bit too
annoying, over-social-drama. They may start speaking nonstop about their
journey and about what they do back home.
(I don´t own the above picture)
Bottom 5: 4th of December 2013
At the end of each month I´ll give you a small resume of the top 5 and
bottom 5 passengers´ nationalities to work and fly with according to the
results of the poll you may find above in this Blog
1)
Indians: the irony of dirt is that it can literally pail up onto more dirt.
That is what is happening to many of Indian travelers due to the lack of
personal hygiene and it´s not a minor issue. For the past months this subject
has been a very common issue among fellow crew and frequent travelers, why?
Because the simple fact of travelling 13 hours with someone who smells like a
mix of dirty feet with concentrated curry and an extra spice of rotten onion
it´s somehow a problematic point in the agenda. Personal hygiene issues come
hand by hand with an increase rate and chance of catching a virus or a disease,
for example: gastroenteritis or more commonly “gastro-flew”. That is what I
caught and for the past 4 days I have been the “Exorcist” in its fullest
extent: no, unfortunately I didn´t walk like a spider onto the roof, it would
have been great to spook out HR but I didn´t get the Hollywood version. By the
way, not only I got “infected” but also 2 more of my coworkers. So I was the “Exorcist”
while the 2 others were “The Walking Dead”. Besides this, please Indians do not
play stupid when we ask you kindly for something, as for example: “remove your
items from the aisle” or “there is turbulence, please return to your seat”. I
perfectly know and understand that they are proud or whatsoever but let me
remind you of something: if they play stupid I can play stupid too.
2)
Chinese: incredible to believe that Chinese can move with speed and furry of an
avalanche. Not only they might carry away whatever it’s on their way but also
they seem no to care much about it. When boarding there they go and they don´t
care if someone is in the aisle trying to lift its bag into the overhead
compartment, they simply keep on their way without caring for their fellow
travelers. The worst thing is that they are very use to that and they don´t
care about it. Did you know that poor people in China sleep in the street
inside of cages? And for them that is very common and extremely ordinary so,
what can you expect from someone who sees that as something almost normal? The
bottom line is that sometimes they might treat crew as if they were something
disposable and without feelings. Behavior to other passengers? 0, 0 tolerance,
0 respect and 0 dignity.
3) Pakistan: women
are a second class citizen and that is it. For the past months many of many
friends and female co workers have been treated by certain passengers in an
almost abusive way. The fact of our bottoms getting accidentally poked by forks
or passengers trying to overcome a crew in the galley is something that is
almost a frequent coin in the buss. Even so pursers and SFS tend to protect us
against does situations many of us tend to live those kind of experiences. Not
very long time ago I was placed in First Class during the whole flight because
the SFS saw how a Pakistani passenger accidentally touched my low back. Yes, we
tend to be protected among our own but many times it´s very hard for many of
us. Towards passengers they can be or really passive or extremely rude, mocking
and annoying others just because they are “bored”.
4) Nigerians: something
they really tend to do and it´s more than annoying to other passengers is the
fact that they tend to smash other passenger items in the overhead compartment
with their baggage. Not only they might carry an awful amount of weight in too
many bags, but also they fill up the bin with their things and that is it. If
you kindly request to remove some of the items and place at least one bag below
the seat in front of them, they would have the same reaction as if you would
have slap his face. Personal hygiene: red flags – 911 Dove come and save us.
This is also an issue for this Nationality as it seems that they don´t care
much about it. Personally I believe that they just don´t know what hygiene is,
as far as I know potable water is not a frequent thing over there so somehow
the fact that they don´t know how to properly bath is kind of reasonable.
Nevertheless they seem to be very sensitive when someone tell them “no” or
“can´t” as they tend to be a little bit aggressive with their response, how?
They give you that particular look of: I´m going to kill you while you sleep.
So each time I kindly request a Nigerian passenger to remove his items from the
exit row I get that look. Or if a passenger refuses to swap seats, they get
that look.
5) Brazilians:
grey zone. This Nationality may be pure Carnival of joy or over too much joy.
During flights they tend to be very responsive towards crew but sometimes they
try to play stupid in their own way to obtain their personal benefit, how they
do that? Seduction (the most powerful weapon of all times). Nevertheless, they
tend to be somehow calm during flights and if they are in a good mood they
interact with others making the journey far more comfortable.
(I don´t own the above picture)
jueves, 28 de noviembre de 2013
Well invested money:
During my first months I always carried
hand sanitizer in my purse wherever I go; hand sanitizer -now? After dealing
with 4 gastroenteritis, 3 food poising and god knows how many flu, forget it.
I´ll better spend that money in a pint.
(I don´t own the above picture)
False association:
Sleeping at a
Hotel room during a layover I woke up in the middle of the night thinking that
I was still a bit dizzy due to the plane. No, it was actually an earthquake.
(I don´t own the above picture)
I´m a size 0, no you are not:
Sometimes you
may find that particular overweight passenger that somehow refuses the extra
seat belt because they think that they really don´t need it even so they barely
fit onto the seat. Get over it, you are fat.
(I don´t own the above picture)
lunes, 25 de noviembre de 2013
domingo, 24 de noviembre de 2013
Small talk:
-
Oh! So you are crew? Sure that
you know lots of places!
- Yes, specially lots of Hotel rooms
-
….. (awkward silence)
(I don´t own the above picture)
The use of creativity and a trolley accidentally smashing someone
Many times I´m
asked “how is it that you can stand and work with a college that is a clear
pain in the (you can figure where is that pain)?” And my answer is very simple:
patience and trying not to get myself sick from those situations.
At this point we all know that as crew we are doomed to work with a multicultural facade
of nationalities and that each one of them carries out a particular “thing”
from their culture. No, I´m not talking about their ideologies, gastronomical
background or social values; I´m talking about the cultural level of bitchiness.
Northern Europeans, for example German or Swedish, simply ignore you when you
talk to them if they are in a bad mood or “not being nice” to you. So they
might simply not answer the intercom when you request another bottle of water
from the galley while you are standing in the middle of the aisle with your
cart while performing meal and beverage service. South Americans tend to be
very responsive and not in a very polite way, usually they choose their words
with a quota of violence: “be aware when you go down the stairs from the rest
area”. Indians usually get accelerated and trying to make their level of
bitchiness and proudness a bureaucracy, how? By making a report for nonsense
things to human resources and usually then you get notified or have to make a statement
to your Manager about that silly “thing” (just a waste of time).
Yes, I have
lived many situations like that and the far worst was when my little finger got
“accidentally” smashed by a 20´s something female I-try-to-be-occidental Korean.
She simply secured the trolley “without noticing” that my hand was there and
well, I almost finished my day of work with 9 fingers. Who would have thought
that a Korean would have that behavior after (apparently) storing rage when I refused
to swap rooms with her during the layover? See? In this vocation you get the
chance to get to know how a human being manifests shocking reactions in situations
that don´t require that amount of energy.
How may someone
cope with all of that? Not-all-may, sometimes they do perfectly but for a short
period of time and then start to get physically sick due to the stress of
coping with those kind of people. High fevers, body rushes, terrible headaches
(migraines), nausea and even sudden lost of weight are some of the direct symptoms
of stress. I have to make you a confession: many times I thought that I was pregnant
because I had all the symptoms, morning sickness, sudden whim follow by excruciating
nonstop vomiting; sore boobs so on and so on. The problem was that counting my
days back it was impossible for me to be pregnant unless I was about to become
Virgin Mary Volume II. So, what was wrong with me? Stress. Yes, stress made my
boobs sore.
Is not easy and
I´m still learning how to deal with those situations and not to over involve myself
with bad energy. There are crew who have this horrible “aura” in each flight
and it´s not that they are going through a bad situation or moment in their
life, no. They are simply bitchy and that is it. So, I started doing yoga but
it didn´t work. Pilates, neither. Spinning, well, it kind of work but not entirely.
What is currently working and being very effective cost free is imagining a
situation in my head were they get physically hurt or publicly humiliated. I
can go beyond borders and the most important thing is that is it cost free. My favorite
one?
Yes, this one goes in my head over
and over again: the trolley has a faulty brake system and during an air pocket the
cart accidentally goes down the aisle at full speed and knocks outs that
particular crew that is trying to make my life miserable doing that flight.
Since I started playing with my imagination and creativity I may state that
stress has been reduced from “I can´t get out of bed” to “I´m doing my favorite
sport with no effort whatsoever”: fake smiling
(I don´t own the above picture)
jueves, 21 de noviembre de 2013
Yes:
Sometimes we stick to the rules so we may
have fun at you, “no Sir. you may not change seats until we are at cruising altitude”
(I don´t own the above picture)
Women are from Venus:
Men are from Mars I´m from JFK, SYD, NRT,
CDG, MLE so on and so on – smile
(I don´t own the above picture)
Illusion of turning left instead of going far back to the right:
That feeling when an Economy Class Passenger
boards the plane with priority as he has a Silver Frequent Flyer status
(I don´t own the above picture)
lunes, 18 de noviembre de 2013
Better than in a Mexican soap-opera:
What would happened if you would have to
attend your ex mother-in-law in an extra long haul journey? Small detail, she despises
you as you cheated on her son with his best friend that now you are getting
married. By the way, this is not my case but just a thought. Share your
experiences and point of view
(I don´t own the above picture)
Fact:
Mystery shoppers may be women below 25
years old, with cramps syndrome and more irritable than your mother-in-law – parachute
me
(I don´t own the above picture)
Duty free:
Female cabin crew are in Mac; Pilots near
the Booz section; Male cabin crew wearing Mac and I´m just craving for a smoke
(I don´t own the above picture)
Yes, it happened:
In my last flight an Economy Class
passenger inflated the life jacket so he would have an “extra pillow”
(I don´t own the above picture)
domingo, 17 de noviembre de 2013
sábado, 16 de noviembre de 2013
Wanna see a magic trick?
Grab a photo camera and try to take a
picture from a QR crew, they will just vanish from the frame
(I don´t own the above picture)
In an evacuation test for aircraft certification:
I have never seen participants who are + 65
years old that means that a flight from Miami hasn´t the proper certification,
does it?
(I don´t own the above picture)
Smoking is allowed:
The good old days were you could buy a
ticket to your asthmatic ex boyfriend for a 13 hours plane journey
(I don´t own the above picture)
martes, 12 de noviembre de 2013
For further indications:
The bathroom door is the one that has the
big red arrow and a big silver handle
(I don´t own the above picture)
The flight attendants look better with the lights switched off or dimmed:
That´s
why we dimmed them during takeoff and landing, so we may nap
(I don´t own the above picture)
Don´t forget:
I hold the intercom and we make the
announcements – smile
.jpg)
(I don´t own the above picture)
viernes, 8 de noviembre de 2013
Squats:
At 35.000 feet bending and going back
straight for 399 passengers is like being crew of a Cindy Crawford workout
video
(I don´t own the above picture)
We take care of everything:
Yes, your bags are being taking care of,
pampered, groomed and manicured while they rest in cargo hold – smile
(I don´t own the above picture)
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