S > XS

In the era of bigger aircrafts and smaller seats I recommend to reduce the flush power of the toilets, eventually a passenger will get sucked out.

(I don´t own the above picture)

Top 5: 1st of August 2013

At the end of each month I´ll give you a small resume of my top 5 and bottom 5 passengers’ nationalities to work with

Japanese

The joy of flying. With their perfect combined pajamas and capelinas they are the perfect passengers when it comes to respect, presence and grooming. Both men and woman are extremely fast and polite while boarding the aircraft. They might swap seats with their fellow companion, but all of it´s because they are very well organized and they tend to prioritize if their travelling buddy wants to seat against the window or if he / she need to be next to the aisle as he / she uses a lot the bathroom. Also they travel light when it comes to carry on language and they usually don´t carry much weight with them. Many of them wear this masks because as you might not know is not only because some don´t want to breath polluted air; others´ just may have a small flew and by wearing the mask they prevent on sneezing and coughing publicly and tossing their germs to others. Very well mannered to crew and passengers, trying to understand what they are told even so they don´t speak fluent English.

Singaporean

Just as the Japanese but they tend to carry a little bit more of weight in their carry on items. A little bit, not a lot.

Canadian

Fun and polite as you might get. They tend to be very well mannered and balanced customers with the entire flight crew. Greeting everyone on board and staying in their seat without over pressing the call button. They like to make jokes with other crew and passengers while they chill in the gallery but they are very moderate in each joke.

Swedish and Sweden

Cold and they don´t disturb you at all. They are silent when it comes to boarding and silent for disembark. They tend to accept rules during all flight, respecting the fact that seat belts should be fastened at all times (even when sleeping). Not heavy drinkers and they are very precise when you take them their food and beverage orders.

Australian

Grey area. They might be very fun and well mannered when it comes to treatment (if they are not drunk). Jokes are their common language and a positive attitude is usually encountered in all flights. In an extra long haul flight they might annoy you with the call button as they need a refill of bear while they watch a movie on their seats. If not drunk they are pleasant and they make you laugh. 

(I don´t own the above picture)

Bottom 5: July 31 2013

At the end of each month I´ll give you a small resume of my top 5 and bottom 5 passengers’ nationalities to work with

Indians

Barf spit snore fart shit shout rude > I have never encountered an Indian who hasn´t ever shouted at me when he / she gets nervous as he / she doesn´t understand what I´m saying. I have never not witnessed and Indian woman or man scratching constantly their genitals. They tend to barf while they eat.  Many of them spit on the aircraft floor. They take their own time for everything and if you rush them they will shout at you. And they don´t stay at their seats, not even during turbulence. While boarding they don´t seat in their designated seat and many of the times they refuse to seat were they should.

Nigerians

The poor is very ignorant and the rich pretends to be a white rich. The rich treats crew as they were their own personal slaves and over use hands gestures when they request for something. Eye contact? Forget it. Poor people tend not to move much around the aircraft but it seems they don´t understand directions provided by crew. Also, poor and rich tend to smell very bad.

Persians and Egyptians

Men: it seems they could never overcome the Edipo complex as they constantly touch their genitals and also touch crew. Not very long time ago a group of not so young Persians were in the back gallery annoying some of the crew and one of them simply passed along his bulge against the ass of one of the crew. Of course crew couldn´t do much about it.

Woman: you never notice that they are there.

Chinese

They tend to talk too loud and all at the same time. They don´t want to understand directions provided by crew: they turn on mobile phones to make phone calls during take-off and landing. They also spit to the aircraft floor; they smell extremely bad and they become desperate at landing and want to grab their items from the overhead compartments while the airplane is speeding off. They also tend to take all of their carry on items in huge plastic bags that weight more than the limit. They leave an awful smell each time they go to the bathroom.

Germans

They are grey zone. If they are calm and not drunk they can be the best. But if they start drinking nonstop they become kind off annoying to other passengers. If they travel in group they tend to stand up and go to chat with their friends, annoying passengers when they are moving from their seats. They sweat a lot when drunk and tend to shout when they are really pissed. Also, a tall big German man with his cheeks all red and sweaty, smelling like beer going full speed to the trolley were the small bottles of whisky are, try to stop him.

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Glue it

Sometimes, many times I wish I could just glue passengers to their seats. A 45 minutes journey with service in a flight with 100 passengers and one single aisle. Do you really have to go to the bathroom?

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It happens

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101 Recruitment

Usually the steps for recruitment don´t vary much from one airline to another. Let´s analyze the one that is the most complete:

Open day: lot´s of wannabe´ line up for hours with their CV, face (smile and show your teeths) and full body picture. She wears too much eye shadow and has the hair so tight up that you almost see the hair skull bleed. He is with his suite pretending to be calm and relaxed by making jokes and talking to the people around him.

Usually there is a small written exam, for example: if you were to be a super hero what would you be? Which powers would you have and what would you do with them? Or, describe a bad situation that happened in your life and explain if the outcome was positive or not.

Other times it´s just a very small 2 or 3 questions with the interviewer (that usually is a women ex crew in her 40´s). Even, sometimes, they make you read a small text provided by them out loud in front of them.

After the long day is over wannabes wait for an e-mail that says: congratulations, you have been selected to go through an Assessment.

Assessment day: in this venue only 1/3 or 1 /4 of the candidates of the Open Day will be selected. It all starts again with the Cv drop off and full body and face picture. After that you see a video presentation of the company and about what does it involve to be cabin crew according to the airline. At this point while you are seated watching the movie the recruiters are already selecting you. They follow certain patterns and criteria provided by the company:

>Woman criteria: tall but not that tall, thin if possible (no fats – body mass index are required to be healthy ones), nice skin with no pimples, if possible good teethes, polished nails, not bitchy attitude, nice ass, legs and breasts.

>Man criteria: tall but not that tall, good body, good back and that he doesn´t look gay.

After the video presentation goes the question and answers process were all doubts and hesitations are answered. Word of advice: if you have a question just shut up and don´t make it, they don´t like much participation of the candidates as they are tired and they follow a very tight criteria in the selection process. An extra word that you might say while doing your question might get you in the unsuccessful list.

Then you´ll be separated in groups and seated in a circle. With the person that you have on your side you´ll will be giving a flashcard with an instrument and explain a new non common use for that instrument. Or, explain about that country. While you talk ideas with your partner you´ll be called by the recruiter to perform the reach test (reach above 212 meters with your arm extended in your tip toe) and also 2 or 3 questions: why you want to be cabin crew? Why do you want to work for our company?

Don´t sweat it, remember you were already selected or not while the video presentation of the company was taking place. This is just to clear out if they have some doubts about you or not.

After this process the first cut comes: usually 1/3 or 2/3 of candidates are cut out.

The other possibility is that you may be placed in group of 3 or 4 and you´ll have to present the person in your group briefly out loud in front of all candidates and explain something funny about them that they told you about.

Another one is to play a game of truths and lie in which the candidate seated next to you tells you 2 truths and 1 lie (and you don´t know which one is the true or the lie), so then you stand up and in front of the group you explain what the candidate told you and then you guess with the group.

Usually if successful in the first instance you go through a written English exam: a 250 word essay about a specific subject and reading comprehension with multiple choice answering option. Depending in the airline you may also have or not a math exam: rate the amount of change in which you should give back to a passenger, calculate the time zone difference from one country to another if the plane takes off 2 hours late, etc. Calculator is provided by the company.

Then another cut off comes: very phew candidates may be cut off from this instance

 The next Assessment consists in group work dynamics: you are seated again in small groups between 5 or 10 (deepening in the amount of candidates) and you are giving a task to perform in which you have to answer as a group. It could be from: you are owners of a restaurant and the dessert is late for 4 tables but the entrance is ready for 2, you are short of staff that night, which one would you give priority and why? Or, you are in an airplane crash and there is space only for own more in the raft. A 13 year old adolescent, an old man and a pregnant mother are still in the water, which one would you save and why? Or, invent an airline commercial company and place a famous person to be General Manager, Marketing Manager, Public Relations Manager and Cabin Crew Manager. You may not use this famous people: Micheal Jackson, Messi and Opera. Explain why did you place those famous people in those positions? The important thing is to work always in a team and accept the other person point of view.

After that another cut is made: usually 1/3 stays

Some companies perform Final Interview in the same day or a day after the event.

Final interview is a common work final interview: they ask you about your life, they go deeper into your work experiences, they go around if your personal life has ever interfered positively or not into your professional life. It could last from 20 minutes to an hour. If it is 20 minutes or less is not necessary a bad thing, so chill out in that. Sometimes that just really want you and they don´t waste their time.

Usually you wait a week and you receive an e-mail or call with the successful or unsuccessful mail.

So: don´t be a bitch (if you are pretend that you are not), don´t be gay (if you are try to diminish your gayness). Play always in a team, shut up, don´t make question, never try to stand out, don´t you ever go and talk to the recruiters if they don´t call you, don´t put faces if someone asks something stupid, smile naturally and just don´t care a fuck about the event.

(I don´t own the above picture)

National Geographic

Crew: the only being capable of bleeding out twice a month over the Atlantic Ocean and still purr champagne PERIOD

Briefing Math’s

20 women, 7 man = 5 gays and 2 married

I need to buy new batteries 

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Shut up and smile

Based in true story told by a friend:

Once in a flight (as a passenger) going from Buenos Aires to Sao Paulo a crew got an extremely bad moment with HR and it all started like this:

Scenario: 777-200 / emergency exit road. My friend was sitting on the aisle seat, middle seat empty, window seat was a 40's something years old woman, Manager of the airline in which they were flying. The female 30´s something South Korean crew was seated on her jump seat infront of them.

During landing my friend was having a very interesting conversation to the woman from Brazil about trips to India and about how was the future perspective regarding the commercial airline industry. Also they started talking about who they were, why they were travelling, so on and so on. She told him that she was in Management of the carrier in which they were flying and that that let her travel to many different destinations. Also, during the conversation my friend told the Brazilian woman that he was going to Brazil because he had a recruitment there with a mayor airline (X) to work as crew. The woman listened carefully the story of why he wanted to be crew and gave him very interesting advices on how to behave during the interview taking into consideration that it was his first.

Suddenly the soft voice of the South Korean crew interrupted them with the typical Asian-English speaking tone said:

“Working here is hectic. Many many hours flying, more than 100 this month. I just started but already I wanna change. I´ve know that the airline you applied for is much more better than this”.

The face of the Brazilian woman turned from Caribbean tone to yellowish colour. The Manager told her: “there is a recruitment going on the day of tomorrow for (X) airline, you could try there”.

And the crew replied: “I have to go back to HQ tomorrow”

My friend was all frozen up with the situation seeing a dead woman walking in front of his eyes. The Brazilian woman replied back: “Do you know who I am?” “No”, she said, “I am from Management”.

My friend told me that the face of the South Korean was like if someone would suddenly punch her in slow-motion directly to her ovaries. “I didn´t know, you didn´t appear in the passenger manifesto”. “In short flights I don´t have the need to. Position at once with the proper landing posture”

The South Korean legs were crossed over and then she positioned into the correct landing body posture.

Once the airplane landed my friend stayed with the Manager as she offered to help him to get a taxi but before that the Manager wrote down the South Korean employers ID and had a very severe talk to the purser.

After all of that guess what happened: the South Korean girl is back to South Korea

Conclusion: if crew just shut up and smile

(I don´t own the above picture)

Human Resources

Some co workers feel the next:

Dear Human Resources Team,

My name is X (ID: XX-XXXX-XX).

I would like to express my great deal of concern regarding the lack of straight cabin crew in each flight. The lack of straight man power affects directly in the corporate image and institutional profile of the company.

In many flights gay man wear more make up than the female staff, while in other flights they constantly over grimace to passengers making them feel uncomfortable.

Also, even so they passed the tests, in case of emergency they will not be capable of performing properly to their tasks as they are gay and they won´t be able to show leadership and strength.

Please take into consideration these facts for your next recruitments.

Sincerely,

X

But to my co-workers I say the next:

Dear close minded crew,

One gay male crew is more careful to details than all of the female crew put together. They tend to take care of customers approaching them very positively but carefully at the same time. Also, they are much more proactive when it comes to commanding pre take off and landing, much cleaner than the rest of crew and also prettier.

In case of emergency I am more than sure that they will be more than capable of handling all of the diverse tasks because in general speaking they have a higher instinct of protection to others (that is a fact from diverse well known worldwide universities).

Man power comes from team power. If each crew cares about their own tasks, own segments and own agendas the profile of the company will be more than doomed.

Please take into consideration that you may have some envy issues and some human resources still to reach.

Sincerely,

Me

(I don´t own the above picture)

Fact: shit

Fact: first class, business class or economy passengers fart during flights

Fact: a fart in a pressurized environment with fake oxygen at 10.000 ft. is deadly

Fact: some passenger’s aroma doesn’t leave their personal space for a long while

Fact: your nose not always gets use to it

Fact: sometimes, certain farts comes with souvenir

Fact: people shit their seats

Fact: poo bags should be placed in each seat

Fact: some people don´t go to the bathroom to clean their brown / green mess

Fact: some just whip with the blankets

Fact: that is why I always wear gloves

Fact: we can´t use oxygen masks but many times I sniff O2 from cockpit

Fact: shit! I love my job

(I don´t own the above picture)

Namaste: (verb) Fuck you

He is speaking perfect English and Indi to the lost passenger in front of him while boarding with his too-many-bags. Sir, could you please buckle your seat-belt? He stares. Sir, please buckle your seat-belt. He stares. Sir, do you understand English? He smiles and buckles up. I seat and he tries to hide his unbuckled seat-belt with the blanket, smiling. Sir. please buckle your seat-belt we are about to take-off. He smiles, he buckles.

Sir., please return to your seat, the seat belt sign is on and we are about to go through some turbulence. He smiles and he stretches up and then down. Sir., please return to your seat. He smiles and tries to open the bathroom door in the opposite direction. Sir., return to you seat immediately. He opens´ the bathroom door and walks in. While seated he walks out of the bathroom in the middle of an air pocket. He holds the door. A passenger stood up to help him return to his seat going against the “go-back-to-your-seat-orders”. The Indian sat down (smiling) and the other passenger tasted the ceiling due to an air pocket. It was just a taste, not a bite.

Sir. please collect your items and place them in the overhead compartments, exits must be free for landing. He stares and smiles. Sir. please collect your items. He smiles and grabs his back. Placing his too-many-bags he started to give instructions with his index finger on how he wanted them to be placed. The little pink package above the brown box which needed to be placed above the black suitcase that had to be next to the dark blue bag.

The bits of lights approached us and the lights were dimmed. Sir. turn off your mobile phone immediately! He smiles and stares with a giggle. Sir. switch off your mobile phone immediately! He giggles and flashed a picture against the window.

He stands up and starts removing the little pink package and placed it carefully above the brown box which was placed onto the black suitcase blocking the aisle for the rest of the passengers with his dark blue bag.

Leaving the aircraft in a fast rhythm with all his too-may-bags he grabs his phone and said in a clear voice: “I´m going out, see you in 20”.

Incredible to believe some Namaste.

(I don´t own the above picture)

Chicken or pasta?

Chicken or pasta?

>Pasta.

>No, chicken.

>What´s the side dish of the chicken?

Rice and steam vegetables, also it comes with a non spicy sauce based with the same vegetables.

>And the pasta?

It comes with Bolognese.

>But I am vegetarian, I don´t see the vegetarian option in the menu.

I´m sorry but vegetarian meals must be requested prior to the flight. During this flight we don´t have any.

>Chicken.

What would you like to drink?

>Water, coca-cola and what are the wine options?

We have a merlot –red- from Chile and a cabernet –white- from California.

>Both.

Sparkling or flat water?

>Of which brands are they?

Sparkling is from Perrier and flat from Evian.

>Perrier.

>I didn´t say “with lemon”.

I´m sorry, that is how we usually prepare the drink.

>My fork felt to the floor, I need another one.

 Here you have Sir.

 

((Check - 210 to go))

(I don´t own the above picture)