I should paint eyes on my shirt

Cause they stare right at them and my eyes are on my head

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Top 5 passengers to travel with: 2nd of December 2014

At the end of each month I´ll give you a small resume of my top 5 and bottom 5 passengers’ nationalities to work with

1)      Japanese: this simple humanoid robots are the state-of-the-art when it comes to traveling. Not only they are quiet beyond silence but also clean beyond soap. Perfectly timed to check in and board they respect rules and the other as if it were to be the most precious thing that they would ever meet. Following a strict criteria of grooming and unprecedented folding-pack-away they know how-to travel in comfort. Style goes beyond than wearing the latest Prada bag when you have to go for a 13 hour flight. Style goes with comfort and both must be a perfect balance, Japanese achieve this with almost no effort whatsoever. Best flights are to Japan.

2)      South-Koreans: even so they still continue to be a very close society when it comes to foreigners (from my personal point of view), they respect all rules of social and personal etiquette. Well groomed and on-time passengers they travel exactly with what they need but sometimes they over-shop in the Duty Free. A flight from Soul is a chapel, not only for how quiet it is but also for how sainted you might feel as a crew. This creatures know their way in the airport even so they might be first time travelers – a joy of travel

3)      Finish: style – yes; education – top nudge. It has always surprised me the fact of how cultured and open minded Finish culture is regarding traveling and the world. They respect your work as a crew and don’t over push the capacity of your skills in almost any of your flights. Most of them know how to speak fluently at least 4 languages and their amazing virtue for education comes hand by hand with the fact of respect for human decency. Traveling with them is like going with a human talking Lonely Planet.

4)      Germans: on time – precision in the tik and tok. Without hesitation their culture is all about precision and the value of time. Time is money and it can’t be wasted, as for this in any of my flights I ever had a German come up late or as a “non-show”. They not only respect minutes as if they were to be gold but also understand that the abuse of it may harm others. Respect and silence is a must for them, if you say it you do it.

5)       Grey-zone > Thai: this super friendly culture may have to opposite that are very extreme from my point of view. Or they might be very warm and well educated or very ignorant and dirty minded. Depending in the flight and each passenger I may have a totally different anecdote. Once again, is all a matter of luck.

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Bottom 5 passengers to travel with: 2nd of December 2014

At the end of each month I´ll give you a small resume of my top 5 and bottom 5 passengers’ nationalities to work with

1)      Indians: yes, they still are in the top of the list. Why? To start with the reel of their ignorance brings a never ending list of bad habits, from spitting to smelling and a billion grays in between. Women have no idea what female hygiene is and this is the main problem. Some are afraid of wearing pads when menstruating and they try to hide that because it may be consider as something to be shame about. Men as they want to be the “macho alpha” treat others as if they were scum or something inferior, especially when it comes to service. You have no idea how many times in the same flight I was treated as their own personal slave. How? Words and sentences as “thank you” or “your welcome” doesn’t exist in their vocabulary, not because they don’t know how to speak the basic English but mainly because someone like me is not worthy of those words.

2)      Chinese: “ni hao” and a rumble stamped come during boarding. Smashing others passenger’s belongings in the overhead compartments, blocking aisles, jumping the bathroom queue is just one of the many succulent behaviors that may be seen. Is not that they are ignorant; it’s the fact that they want to take advantage of every situation as if it were to be life or death. Rules are bend into their favor (in their own little minds) and even so you might repeat politely that they must buckle their seatbelts during take-off or landing they look right at you as if they couldn’t understand what you are saying. Never I will forget, not very long time ago, in Auckland when in immigrations agents asked and showed through cards which items were not allowed to enter New Zealand without being declared to a relative old Chinese couple. They shook their head and said “no”. When all of their belonging (they were many card boxes) went through the scanning machine, a Woolworth / Jumbo of herbs and fruits showed up. They play stupid and may put your nerves to the bear top of your patience.

3)      Nigerians: I still can’t personally stand up the fact that men want to pretend that they are much more “men” than they truly are. In my flights to Lagos it’s a repeated story to watch how a husband treats his wife as if she were to be nothing more than a carry on item. Sad to believe and even hear (even so I don’t speak Nigerian) their values towards others. Also the fact of hygiene is something that really concerned me (especially due to the Ebola outbreak), they spit food and eat with their hands. Alcohol in gel – 4 small bottles in a row in each flight

4)      Brits: generally speaking they have spiked to the front of the row for a liver transplant. Bear and more bear, gin and whisky. The bar in all of my flights is packed with red swollen faces and glasses must be always filled to the top. One glass, two glasses, three, four and they simply won’t pass out. If they were to be the etiquette drunks I might say “okay, not a problem” but generally speaking this is not the case. Why? They start shouting and spitting saliva while they do. Some become “touchy” and even unbearable to attend.

5)      Grey-zone > Southafricans: not entirely polite not entirely rude. Deepening in the flight and the historical background (general speaking) of the overall manifesto it may be a very peaceful journey or an erratic mixture of a blend of the alcoholic Brit culture with the nasty behavior of Nigerians.  

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In 24 hours

Top 5 and Bottom 5 – keep your seatbelt fasten!

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Employee of the year:

Automated Coffee Machine with Red Lipstick

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I wish:

That you get hit by a stampede of trolleys

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Dear Santa Claus,

Do you remember me? The blond skinny girl who went to church every Sunday until she was 16 and then starting doing community work for UNICEF? Well, I understand that you are a very busy person with a lot of things in your agenda: watching out that your toy-fabric doesn’t collapse due to the fact that the North Pole is melting due to Greenhouse effects or that your reindeers are not accidentally shot down midair. Nevertheless I know that you will organize everything that comes along and perform an exciting and wonderful task as you do every year.

I would like to start this letter and remind you about my good will and warm heart. This year I have cleaned vomit from a wide range of John and Jane Doe's, wiped menstruation stains from the many Indians who have seated in my jump seat while waiting for the toilet. I politely beard each spit and barf from almost every Chinese that sat down in my sector while I smiled to every nasty and jealous East European Purser that I had to work with while playing stupid to the plane-boring jokes of every Australian wanna-be-recruiter crew.

I have dealt with a nasty divorce; cried my soul out in the bathroom of each flight missing what I lost. I packed my life in many boxes and just finished with one. I had to be very strong to the wide variety of comments of a close minded society in which each time I confesed that I am divorced I had to stand up as if I had a terminal disease that would never have a cure. I had to give explanations to the very non charming Indian Manager about why I wanted to go back to the last place where I found myself as if she were to be God’s inspector. I had to close my eyes and overcome each time some of my fellow colleagues looked at me with pitiful eyes thanks to the inspector’s open mouth.

Not only had I learned to build longer walls greater than the Great Chinese but also I understood the meaning of each brick. With no regrets, Dear Santa, I smiled and embraced every situation as if I were to be an emotional kamikaze of my own paths. So if you kindly take all of that into consideration I would like to ask you for the next gifts:

To start with I would like, if possible, not to work with any female crew in my upcoming rosters. My system doesn’t stand any more bitch drama, fuzz or menstrual competition of who has the strongest flow.

In addition I would like to have a third gay friend. Those are loyal, ground braking souls and people that you may actually trust > something that is almost a hidden treasure.

Last but not least I would like to have a normal sleeping patron were I may close my eyes and with the blink of a dream fall into a deep sleep for 8 hours in a row without any hot flashes, goosebumps or disorientation.

And of course I also want world peace and a Mac.

Hope you have a wonderful transpolar flight to every one of your destinations and watch out for Ebola or any missing rocket.

Take care!

Yours,

L

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Ebola? More afraid of an indian menstruating

Biohazard – not a joke

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I had a great holiday in Santorini

Congratulations! You will get divorced – Santorini is well known for splitting couples after their visit

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Thank you Google translator

When an Indian passenger play’s stupid and don’t understand when you kindly ask him to put the seat in the upfront position. I usually press the button and with a gentle violent movement I place the seat back straight. If he reclines it back I go back and perform the same act and in Indi I tell him: “please don’t be rude and let the passenger that is back to you eat without smelling your hair”

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No, thank you I will blow you

When a passenger hands me a handkerchief with his number I usually see it, smile and blow my nose in it

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Trick

If we make the cabin colder by lowering the A/C the odors of farts reduces as well as the smells from the galley’s “food”- don’t complain that you are cold

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Female cabin crew with post menstrual syndrome

Are the vivid version of a top male gay crew

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Not in lonely planet

Confusing the Tokyo Skytree for the Eiffel Tower and verbally repeating that mistake for 5 times in a row – smile

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Do you miss the top 5 and bottom 5 Nationalities post?

Yes / No - vote

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Passengers are like babies

They eat, sleep, fart and complain

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Bonus track:

Being pulled off from a flight

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Quote

“Rocket science – this is a pen, you’ll need it”

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E-ur-bola

If you don’t like someone just cough and say that you had a wonderful holiday in Guinea

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How many times in your life did you ask yourself: “and she really got the job? and the man?”

Call button and share your experience

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Last flight:

A nonstop crying baby for no reason whatsoever in a 14 hour flight. He was in the back galley with my colleagues during all flight. A passenger asked me “what’s wrong with him? Why doesn’t he stop crying?” Self-thought-reply: "because someone just forgot to wear rubber 1 year ago"

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Team work

Me + Me

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A beg your bobbing head pardon

I barely understand an Indian operator

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Single?

No, crew

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All in uniform, make up, name tag, inside the plane:

“Are you crew?”

No, I’m Tinkerbelle – clap so I don’t die

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You have no dignity:

If you walk barefoot to the bathroom

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Definition of a boogie man for Lufthansa:

Emirates it’s under your bed and it will eat you in your sleep 

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Refugee

We love so much our job that we accept gracefully to fly on a jumpseat in an extra long haul flight as standby for 14 hours

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Multipolar

Italians are now almost Arabs > Etihad bought a mayor part of Alitalia

Germans are doing something Latin > Lufthansa pilot's surprise strike in Munich

And Americans are just American > love them

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Think square

We do all love when the train is set to depart at 09:02 a.m. and at 09:01:45 the doors are closing leaving at the exact programmed time. Who doesn’t like to stroll around Avenues and streets where you may not only eat from the floor due to how clean everything is but also enjoy your music at a full volume with your latest Bang & Olufsen headsets. Yes, these things happen in what we call the delight of living in a First World Country.

I love it and I hate it. Let me remind you that from where I come from, when I walk on the streets, I walk with caution. Don’t get me wrong when I say that but it’s true. It’s not like if I’m staring over my shoulder every 3 steps or that I’m carrying a Taser gun next to my rimmel. But it's a fact that for the past years, almost a decade, back in my hometown everyone takes their precautions.

I always say the same, if Nike would have to design an ad with what it's happening in that deep south end-of-the-world-country it would say: Run, for your life - It’s exciting into a certain extent. Somehow (for someone that was raised in such a place) this innuendo of disorganization and lack of effort left a clear trademark of adventure blend with excitement. So yes, I do love when in Tokyo or London or Berlin the train is set to leave in an exact time and without any sparing second it does – but I also get really bored of it. You may organize your professional and personal life around the system in which you are involved in but, where is the rush?

I remember when I was back in my home city that I had to go downtown to the Bank (yes to the surprise of many we, citizens, have to personally attend the Bank to do many type of burocratical paperwork that abroad you just do it online) and in that specific date there was a mayor transportation strike that lead to manifestations all around downtown that lead to many streets being cut off (so you can’t go with your car) that lead to police and pepper spray gas and many other fun entertaining stuff. Nevertheless I went to the Bank, walked through all of that and just thought: “another day in this wonderful city”. Pepper spray can make your eyes a little bit puffy for a couple of days but don’t worry, chances of getting blind are not that high after all – not.

What I’ve learned from those glory days is that it’s very important to have plans: plan A, plan B, plan C and all the letters of the alphabet and even go beyond that. If your path didn’t take you where you wanted to or simply things didn’t work out go for another plan. But keep on going no matter which obstacles come in its way. First world countries, generally speaking, avoid this. They simply don't know how to naturally think outside the box.

If a Swedish attend's a work interview the most sure thing is that he will wait for a callback – not me. Until I don’t have the working contract in my bare hands I’m still going to interviews, amplifying and using my network, going here and doing that. As a matter of fact, basing in my general experiences, things don't work out not only as I expected them to be but most of the times they simply don't work at all. So, what do I do? I go to plan B and then C and then D. It may be exhausting and frustrating, yes – but I keep on going. Consider me like the Johnny Walker but with a nice skirt, killer legs, big boobs and 6 inch Christian Louboutin pumps.

First world countries may provide a wide range of safety nets, all ordered up in a perfect scale of solutions and options – it’s true. But where is the rush of it if I already know what to expect?

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Just point the finger:

Most passengers when they speak they should use a subtitle option

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Health and safety:

I swear that I saw one crew from Southwest so fat that when she walked through the aisle she had to raise her hands up or else she wouldn’t fit in her walk

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Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of…

Oh shut up! I’m crew

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(G)alley talk:

A: “So why you wanted to be crew?”

B: “Mama told me I needed to find a good husband”

Me: (personal reminder: buy new batteries)

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Did you study to be crew?

Yes, it’s rocket science

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The new generation of a heartbroken face:

That passenger that was just about to have an upgrade but then someone from Management came and took his seat

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Disturbing:

People who sleepwalk in an aluminum tube at 35.000 feet

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Spot Alert:

UX041 - Air Europe had its nose and windowshiled smashed by strong hail during landing in Buenos Aires International Airport Ministrio Pistarini - 9th of September 2014

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Once upon a time I was skinny

Now I’m cabin crew

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Etiquette:

Have the dignity to look me in the eyes when I greet you goodbye 

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Out with the old

21 years old: (hysterical hyper tone) “Oh my god! Just landed in Paris, have 14 hours to sightsee, shop, have a bite, have a drink, shower, Skype with friends and family and learn some French”

Me: (mind thought: oh my god would you please shut up for a second!?) “Sweetie, I’m off to bed, have a great time – smile”

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Effects of pressure

People who combust natural gas in the galley should be fine

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Reducing costs

If bags are weight to get into cargo people should be too – weight and freight

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“Cabin crew prepare for departure. Arm all doors and crosscheck”

My dear you,

Yes, and yet again my absence. For the past months (2 actually) I’ve been listed for my re joining and guess what? I’ve been re positioned to my same grade as I was when I left. Moving back from a city to another is not an easy job. Remember I was in Middle East, then in NYC, then in Argentina and now back again in Middle East. Okay yes, I’m a city rabbit hopper. In less than year and a half I have managed shipping and containers, furniture’s and credit cards, banks and social security numbers as if I was a trainee in Moody’s mixed with a UNESCO part time employee. So once again boxes and sharpies run all over my old room back in my hometown re tagging bags and re organizing my old closet. One of the many things that surprised me was the fact that my old jeans still fit as perfectly as they did when I had my gastro flew when I was 15. Stress much? Well yeah…

Another thing that surprised me is the unusual hesitations that many have to crew that quitted the industry. Some are extremely repetitive while others are totally out of proportion. “No, as far as I know no one has been sucked out of the toilet”, my answer to my very enthusiastic neighbor or “Yes, people die in planes – is very normal” I replied to the brother-in-law of my best friend that by the way he was about to have a cardiac bypass anytime soon (hope he is not chatting with San Peter while you read this).

It has been the ice bucket year, the war year, the too-many-planes are crashing down year but above all it has been the year were the beloved queen of face lifts Joan Rivers departed this earth to laugh next to Robin Williams and get high with Judy Garland. Yes, it has been a year with many tears and less laughter’s. Meanwhile, some still consider that Britney Spears is talented and that planes do not disappear just like that in thin air.

So here I am, my unique jet-setters, my desperate crew with no emotional attachments, my drunk pilots and nymphomaniac pre menstrual pursers.

Okay, what’s next? Briefing:

Each month I’ll be back with my top and worst nationalities to travel with

Cabin crew gossip

Stories-to-tell

So feel free to push the call button to through some critics and punch with phew laughs on the way.

Love to you all.

L

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Principals of commuting:

Most likely it’s a time bomb, some defuse you it while others just fly up through the sky

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CDC:

If you go to the bathroom remember to have all your vaccines up to date

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Quote of the day from “Business Insider”:

“Emergency exit is first class for poor people”

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Cabin Crew:

A pos modern version of Wikipedia mixed with the Lonely Planet and the Weather Channel

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Lobby request:

Would you mind re coding my room card? Accidentally it was next to my I-pad, I-phone, Nexus 5, Blackberry, Laptop and Camera.

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Standby:

The closest thing to a human lottery

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