All in uniform, make up, name tag, inside the plane:

“Are you crew?”

No, I’m Tinkerbelle – clap so I don’t die

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You have no dignity:

If you walk barefoot to the bathroom

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Definition of a boogie man for Lufthansa:

Emirates it’s under your bed and it will eat you in your sleep 

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Refugee

We love so much our job that we accept gracefully to fly on a jumpseat in an extra long haul flight as standby for 14 hours

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Multipolar

Italians are now almost Arabs > Etihad bought a mayor part of Alitalia

Germans are doing something Latin > Lufthansa pilot's surprise strike in Munich

And Americans are just American > love them

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Think square

We do all love when the train is set to depart at 09:02 a.m. and at 09:01:45 the doors are closing leaving at the exact programmed time. Who doesn’t like to stroll around Avenues and streets where you may not only eat from the floor due to how clean everything is but also enjoy your music at a full volume with your latest Bang & Olufsen headsets. Yes, these things happen in what we call the delight of living in a First World Country.

I love it and I hate it. Let me remind you that from where I come from, when I walk on the streets, I walk with caution. Don’t get me wrong when I say that but it’s true. It’s not like if I’m staring over my shoulder every 3 steps or that I’m carrying a Taser gun next to my rimmel. But it's a fact that for the past years, almost a decade, back in my hometown everyone takes their precautions.

I always say the same, if Nike would have to design an ad with what it's happening in that deep south end-of-the-world-country it would say: Run, for your life - It’s exciting into a certain extent. Somehow (for someone that was raised in such a place) this innuendo of disorganization and lack of effort left a clear trademark of adventure blend with excitement. So yes, I do love when in Tokyo or London or Berlin the train is set to leave in an exact time and without any sparing second it does – but I also get really bored of it. You may organize your professional and personal life around the system in which you are involved in but, where is the rush?

I remember when I was back in my home city that I had to go downtown to the Bank (yes to the surprise of many we, citizens, have to personally attend the Bank to do many type of burocratical paperwork that abroad you just do it online) and in that specific date there was a mayor transportation strike that lead to manifestations all around downtown that lead to many streets being cut off (so you can’t go with your car) that lead to police and pepper spray gas and many other fun entertaining stuff. Nevertheless I went to the Bank, walked through all of that and just thought: “another day in this wonderful city”. Pepper spray can make your eyes a little bit puffy for a couple of days but don’t worry, chances of getting blind are not that high after all – not.

What I’ve learned from those glory days is that it’s very important to have plans: plan A, plan B, plan C and all the letters of the alphabet and even go beyond that. If your path didn’t take you where you wanted to or simply things didn’t work out go for another plan. But keep on going no matter which obstacles come in its way. First world countries, generally speaking, avoid this. They simply don't know how to naturally think outside the box.

If a Swedish attend's a work interview the most sure thing is that he will wait for a callback – not me. Until I don’t have the working contract in my bare hands I’m still going to interviews, amplifying and using my network, going here and doing that. As a matter of fact, basing in my general experiences, things don't work out not only as I expected them to be but most of the times they simply don't work at all. So, what do I do? I go to plan B and then C and then D. It may be exhausting and frustrating, yes – but I keep on going. Consider me like the Johnny Walker but with a nice skirt, killer legs, big boobs and 6 inch Christian Louboutin pumps.

First world countries may provide a wide range of safety nets, all ordered up in a perfect scale of solutions and options – it’s true. But where is the rush of it if I already know what to expect?

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Just point the finger:

Most passengers when they speak they should use a subtitle option

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Health and safety:

I swear that I saw one crew from Southwest so fat that when she walked through the aisle she had to raise her hands up or else she wouldn’t fit in her walk

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Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of…

Oh shut up! I’m crew

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(G)alley talk:

A: “So why you wanted to be crew?”

B: “Mama told me I needed to find a good husband”

Me: (personal reminder: buy new batteries)

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Did you study to be crew?

Yes, it’s rocket science

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The new generation of a heartbroken face:

That passenger that was just about to have an upgrade but then someone from Management came and took his seat

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Disturbing:

People who sleepwalk in an aluminum tube at 35.000 feet

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Spot Alert:

UX041 - Air Europe had its nose and windowshiled smashed by strong hail during landing in Buenos Aires International Airport Ministrio Pistarini - 9th of September 2014

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Once upon a time I was skinny

Now I’m cabin crew

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Etiquette:

Have the dignity to look me in the eyes when I greet you goodbye 

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Out with the old

21 years old: (hysterical hyper tone) “Oh my god! Just landed in Paris, have 14 hours to sightsee, shop, have a bite, have a drink, shower, Skype with friends and family and learn some French”

Me: (mind thought: oh my god would you please shut up for a second!?) “Sweetie, I’m off to bed, have a great time – smile”

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Effects of pressure

People who combust natural gas in the galley should be fine

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Reducing costs

If bags are weight to get into cargo people should be too – weight and freight

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“Cabin crew prepare for departure. Arm all doors and crosscheck”

My dear you,

Yes, and yet again my absence. For the past months (2 actually) I’ve been listed for my re joining and guess what? I’ve been re positioned to my same grade as I was when I left. Moving back from a city to another is not an easy job. Remember I was in Middle East, then in NYC, then in Argentina and now back again in Middle East. Okay yes, I’m a city rabbit hopper. In less than year and a half I have managed shipping and containers, furniture’s and credit cards, banks and social security numbers as if I was a trainee in Moody’s mixed with a UNESCO part time employee. So once again boxes and sharpies run all over my old room back in my hometown re tagging bags and re organizing my old closet. One of the many things that surprised me was the fact that my old jeans still fit as perfectly as they did when I had my gastro flew when I was 15. Stress much? Well yeah…

Another thing that surprised me is the unusual hesitations that many have to crew that quitted the industry. Some are extremely repetitive while others are totally out of proportion. “No, as far as I know no one has been sucked out of the toilet”, my answer to my very enthusiastic neighbor or “Yes, people die in planes – is very normal” I replied to the brother-in-law of my best friend that by the way he was about to have a cardiac bypass anytime soon (hope he is not chatting with San Peter while you read this).

It has been the ice bucket year, the war year, the too-many-planes are crashing down year but above all it has been the year were the beloved queen of face lifts Joan Rivers departed this earth to laugh next to Robin Williams and get high with Judy Garland. Yes, it has been a year with many tears and less laughter’s. Meanwhile, some still consider that Britney Spears is talented and that planes do not disappear just like that in thin air.

So here I am, my unique jet-setters, my desperate crew with no emotional attachments, my drunk pilots and nymphomaniac pre menstrual pursers.

Okay, what’s next? Briefing:

Each month I’ll be back with my top and worst nationalities to travel with

Cabin crew gossip

Stories-to-tell

So feel free to push the call button to through some critics and punch with phew laughs on the way.

Love to you all.

L

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