A380 Real Safety Video | English

Welcome aboard this A380, please pay attention to the cartoon show about the nonsense safety features that are unlikely to be used in this aircraft as almost nobody survives an emergency at 35.000 feet.

We are now preparing for taking off, your tray table, footrest, personal video screen, Blackblerrys, I-phones, Nokia (what is that?), grinders, mother in laws and children should be folded away and your tiny tiny tiny seats to those seated in economy must be in the upright position.

Real Prada´s, Louis Vuitton´s and Gucci´s should be stowed in the overhead lockers or under the seat in front of you. All fake luggage and carry on items will be burned during taxi.

Please fasten your seatbelt whenever the seatbelt symbol is illuminated. Adjust the belt by pulling the strap and lift the metal flap to unfasten your belt. If you want to sleep or self indulge yourself during the flight please fasten the seatbelt over your blanket so we don´t have to disturb you while you exercise your favourite sport. We don´t provide extra seatbelts, so please if you need one start a diet and please don´t use your neighbour's as one.

For safety reason it is forbidden to use any portable electronic devices during taxi, take-off or landing. As we said before all mobile telephones and vibrating devices must remain switched off, even the ones that you store between your legs, until you are told it is safe to use them by your cabin crew.

Smoking anywhere on this aircraft is illegal and punishable by law. All toilets are fitted with smoke detectors, unless you want to be painted with foam and make a very generous check to our airline, don´t light up that cigi.

If there is a sudden explosive cabin decompression (when there is a huge hole in the aircraft cruising at 35.000 feet and we are almost all sucked out of it) masks will appear from above you. Pulling the mask towards you starts the flow of oxygen, place the mask over your screaming panicking face and remember to breathe, normally. Attend to yourself first and then help others.

In the almost unlikely event of an emergency landing please adopt the brace position.

Brace Position 1: lean against the seat in front of you as if you were crying against the seat, just like when you were crying in the ally wall when your partner broke up with you.

Brace Position 2: auto fellatio / something smells between my legs

There is a life jacket under or to the side of your seat. When shouted in a panic rage of “I-need-to-save-my-life” remove it from its container and pull it over your head. Bring the tape around your waist and fasten in front pulling firmly to secure. Only inflate your life jacket when you are leaving the aircraft by pulling the two reds toggles sharply downwards. You can also inflate or top-up the lifejacket by performing the ancient task of blowing into the mouthpiece. Scream to attract attention and a light will automatically illuminate when in water. If you are too fat to wear a life jacket it means that you have enough body fat to keep you warm while you naturally float on water.

Take a moment to locate the emergency exit nearest to your seat, that door may not be there after the aircraft disintegrates once it touches ground after an emergency descend . There are six emergency exits on the upper deck, clearly marked in red and 10 emergency exits on the main deck, also marked in red. If required lights at floor level will direct you to the doors. Take a moment to control and check with who you may fight and punch when leaving the aircraft.

Please read the safety card which is in your seat pocket.

During the flight, we recommend you spend a few minutes each hour doing simple in-seat exercises that will encourage health blood circulation and wash your hands when you finish. Ensure your drink plenty of water.

Your crew will now pass through the cabin carrying out a final check.

Enjoy your flight.

(I don´t own the above picture)